The privilege of your “perhaps not”

I don’t date.

I’m also very consistent

And the reason I don’t date is because I’m very unwilling to spend time with someone who I don’t already know that I enjoy. I’m simply not putting on my good clothes and my good makeup to “get to know someone better”, because what if 15 minutes in I discover that far from getting to know them better I don’t want to know them at all? Then what?

Apparently this is a controversial take, although I don’t think it should be and more importantly I don’t care. Should the urge to partake in a fun activity or share a nice meal hit me, there are many people whose company I already thoroughly enjoy (including and mainly, my own), and so fortunately/unfortunately, I will happily opt out of any potential stranger danger.

Like I said, consistent

And baby, I love to opt out. I am absolutely militant when it comes to doing the cost-benefit analysis of the energy expenditure that will be required from me. The fact that I can simply say no to whoever and whatever at any given time is a privilege I do not take lightly. In this life, there will be many situations we have to endure against our will, so I am incredibly selective when it comes to allowing situations that drain me to persist.

And something doesn’t have to be overtly negative to be draining. It actually only needs to dip below your minimum level of enjoyment enough times for you to decide you’d simply rather not. As is your right, by the way. It is your right to determine when and where you say ‘perhaps not’.

You can literally just leave the room/conversation/relationship as soon as you feel like it’s no longer serving you in a positive or meaningful way. You don’t need to ask permission, or fill out an exit survey, you can just chuck them deuces up and leave. That divine gift of being able to opt out is one of the few things in this life that no one can take away from us. And yet, we underutilize it.

You see, the trap most of us fall into is that we allow something to continue almost entirely based on the nostalgia of it. We desperately cling to our old feelings or the way something used to be, rather than the current reality. But your presence in both your own life and in anyone else’s life should be an intentional decision, based on contemporary information and not historical data.

Once something reaches the threshold whereby the energy required exceeds the value you’re receiving from it, it’s time to reassess. And when that time comes, I want you to make sure that you aren’t relying on how it used to feel, because too often we allow the past too much say in our present.

We need to evaluate situations and relationships in the present tense; and that evaluation should be constant and often, because everything about our lives is constantly in flux.

We change, they change, situations change. Tastes mature, points-of-view shift, desires evolve.

Our hopes and dreams, our likes and dislikes might not be the same as they once were, because we are not the same people we once were. And we need to honor that evolution by making sure that wherever we place our time/money/resources/energy/love is aligned with who we are, right now.

I’m not saying the past doesn’t count; but you exist right now and your priority should be the person you are, right now. Your focus should be on how this person/place/thing is making you feel, right now. Because our greatest privilege is that we get to exist in the now; and our greatest weakness is that despite that privilege, we keep looking back, clinging to some past reality that no longer exists.

Please respect yourself enough to live in the present. Throw those jeans away that no longer fit, stop going to that place you don’t like anymore, stop hanging out with those people you don’t like anymore. End the call and never call back. Don’t go on dates if you don’t want to, no matter what anyone else thinks.

Opt out. Say no. Leave.

You don’t need to make an announcement, nor does it have to be a scene. It doesn’t even need to be a big deal, if you don’t want it to be. These are your terms and conditions (because it’s your life).

There’s always better and more aligned. But even if there wasn’t (and there is), you could and should still opt out, because life should not be endured when you have the option to enjoy.