The stories we tell ourselves and other danger zones

You don’t need my permission, but I hope this finds you if you’re looking for a reason to begin a new story— to decide differently, to choose something else

I think the biggest hurdle when it comes to change or growth isn’t necessarily willpower or lack thereof, but the deeply held beliefs about who we are and therefore, who we are not. It’s the almost immediate internal rebuttal that stops the possibility of a new reality dead in its tracks.

And I’m not talking about negative thinking or self-talk. What I’m referring to is even more insidious because it’s a little harder to recognize. We know when we are being negative— whether we do something about it is a different matter. But it is those neutral, yet incredibly definitive assertions we make about ourselves, to ourselves, that really hold us back.

I would love to do a master’s (but I’m not the kind of person who goes back to school)

I really love this hairstyle! (but I would never wear it myself)

This photo is so nice! (but I don’t post on social media)

In another life, I’d learn how to tattoo (but in this one, I’m an accountant)

These stories we tell ourselves are dangerous because they are absolute. They assume that the beginning, middle and end are foretold and pre-destined. That the characters in this story are fixed; etched in stone even. This is just who I am, we scream into the void—full stop, caps lock, BOLD.

And what a position to take—that because you’ve always showed up in the world in a specific way means that a new way of being or thinking is automatically out of reach. You’ve already dismissed this thing that’s clearly on your heart to do, or at least try, not on the basis of its feasibility, but because you’ve decided it’s not something someone like you does. Not good, babe! Not. Good.

Ultimately, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to show up, even if this new version of yourself looks completely different from who you’ve always been.

“You never used to...” Ok, and now I do.

“Since when do you...” Since today.

Who’s gonna beat your ass about it?

no really, who?

When we are on this path of self-inquiry; this journey towards living a life that feels good and authentic to us, internalizing external opinions will only slow us down.

There will absolutely be people who will cast aspersions and make judgements about you for being brave enough to try something new, to be someone new. But know that these people are small minded at best and jealous at worst. They wish they were as brave as you are. And they are not deserving of a second thought, far less a word, a line, even a punctuation mark in this new story you are writing.

And I’d never want to imply that most people are coming from a place of negativity, because I fundamentally believe that there are far more kind people in this world than not.

What I’m trying to say is, this has only ever been about you. You are the captain of this ship baby, and what you say goes. That’s it, that’s all.

Of course, I recognize that this is all hard. In fact, I don’t think we’ll ever be able to completely disregard the noise of other people’s opinions. We are, after all, human beings desirous of connection and with that comes the weight of expectations and perceptions.

However, I think we just have to be so relentless in achieving the happiest versions of ourselves that anyone who isn’t aligned with that fades into obscurity. While leaning into your own authentic expression will be the gentlest, most soothing thing you’ll ever do for your soul, it does require a thick skin.

Because the alternative is a life half-lived.

A dream forever just out of reach. Your highest and greatest potential somewhere off in the distance because you decided the kind of person you’re dreaming of being, is not the person you are.

And so, while you definitely don’t need my permission, I hope this finds you if you’re looking for a reason to begin a new story— to decide differently, to choose something else.

Because I’d really hate for you to sell yourself short. I’d hate for you to keep telling the same tired, old story about who you are and let that trap you into a life that isn’t satisfying.

That would really, really suck.